Happy Father's Day Dad, We all Love you and Miss you!

Happy Father's Day

Some great stories on Father's day by Renu and Anju, really brought back some great memories.

I think it's pretty great how we are choosing to remember the great things about dad... it's all about what you focus on. I am so grateful that Dad let go with us. After college or at some point during he basically just let go. He didn't help us buy a car, find a job, choose a life partner, pick a path. I know there have been times when I wish Dad was more involved, but him letting go forced me to learn. It really forced me to fail and learn. Nothing is a better lesson than failing. There is only so much hand holding a parent can do.

I do believe somehow he remembers who we are... Thank you for all the good times and knowledge.

Happy Father's Day Dad!

Year after year, Dad always had the same reaction to us greeting him on Father's Day:

Us: Happy Father's Day Dad!
Him: Am I your Dad? (Jokingly of course)
Us: DAAADDDDDD! (Annoyed)

Today as Dad walked down from his room, I said "Happy Father's Day Dad!" to which he looked at me and didn't respond. The ironic thing is, in his head he was probably thinking "Am I your Dad?". Boy did I miss and long for his usual reaction.

I hope that he knows how much we love him and how much we appreciate everything he has done for us. He is such a superman figure in our lives and I am glad we celebrate this day to honor him and all of the other amazing Father's out there. They really do deserve one day of the year to be named after them.

Dad, I missed your sarcastic reaction today. I hope you can remember us giving you our school made presents, or the yearly Levis jeans + collared shirt that Mom would buy you every year for us to give you. We remember all circling around you, handing it to you, and you opening it so carefully pretending to not know what was in there. (Only to get the same present year after year :) )

I hope you can feel the appreciation that we have towards your love for books and how you have instilled that in each one of us. I hope know what a sense of family you have built into each one of us. Mostly I hope you know that you love for adventure and taking chances is instilled deeply in each one of us. And we'd like to Thank you for that amongst many other things.

So to all the Dad's out there, Happy Father's Day. Thank you for everything you do. You make the world go round!

Happy Fathers Day! Daddio!

I just wanted to write this quick post before I head over to Boit to celebrate Dad! Today is Father's Day and I woke up thinking of Dad and what all the past fathers day's were like. Every Sunday Dad would walk over to the local market, and pick up the Sunday Paper for $.25 and those of that wanted our OWN paper would go with him and quickly grab one when he pulled out his. Then we would walk back, sit on the front porch in the warm sun, read the paper together and greet the neighbors! I still love sitting on the porch soaking in the rays greeting the neighbors!

Dad, I just want to say, Thank you for helping me find me and allowing me to be brave enough to do the things in life that I want to do. Thank you for teaching me respect, confidence, pride and perseverance. I am who I am today because of all the little things that you taught us. Today we celebrate you~

Love and miss you,

Anju

Dad In My Head

I, as well, often wonder what feedback/advice Dad would've given us at this stage of our life. I'm sure he would have a million things to say to the Prasad's who have started their own businesses (given his own hand at building up Microlane) or those of us who have remained in Corporate America (I think he probably worked at every Fortune 100 company in the Bay Area at one point or the other :) ).

I would do anything to see his expression on when I found out I got a job at Google. I can only imagine/hear him saying "GOOGLE! Mar dhiya haath!"

But I know everything happens for a reason, and even if he isn't guiding us as he used to, with his actual voice, he definitely is guiding is in our heads. We all can hear how he'd react to different situations in our own heads, and even mirror his reaction making Dad still a reality.

I do miss Dad as well, but I am grateful that I can still hear him in my head, guiding me with the wisdom he instilled in me and us for the first 20 something years of our lives. I hope to have even a percentage of this type of impact on my kids.

Your inner-Balesh

When I saw the pictures sandh posted of dad, I too thought he looks lost. I then read the Small World post Anita wrote and thought, what if its our interpretation that is lost. It could be just as he planned. Lets take the ugliness of the physical realities of the condition aside for a minute. What if underneath all that dad was still silently observing his life work. That of his 7 kids striking out on their own and his wife doing the things she never had the confidence to do when he loomed so large around us.

Dad made his own rules. He never had anyone guiding him nor did he ever seek out any higher being to help him justify his being. His independence and dominance were unquestionable. He didn't know how not to live like this. His life experience would not allow him to cede the spotlight to those around him. How could we ever grow up with his presence so large? How could he watch us thrive silently without imposing his own will? We all relied on his confidence so heavily that our own was at stake. Perhaps this is the only way he knew how to do allow us to develop this while still (albeit tragically) being with us.

His condition has given us all something we may not acknowledge. In this journey we've all come together to form a bond the likes of which he could never have normally orchestrated. We act as one, taking care of and supporting one another. Individually, we've stepped up to whatever challenge is thrown our way and live our lives in manner I know he is proud of. We all have formations of his strong will and free thought pursuing unconventional paths that despite our perception of being status quo are far from. Have you ever told an outsider the make up of our nucleus and watched the amazement that comes across their face.

By effectively stepping aside, he is only beginning by instilling himself into each one of us.

Channel your inner-balesh when you miss him, he's not lost, see him in yourself. I know he does.

I miss Dad

I actually thought twice before I uploaded these pictures.  Dad looks quite sad and confused in them (reality of ALZ).  My siblings, My Mom have all struggled these last 7 years grappling with this horrid disease, and I think I am just starting to break the ice on how its affected me.  I miss Dad.  Its like a fundamental part of my being is gone.  We all joked and called Dad "The Godfather".  He seemed to always have a solution and a way and he was always my backup plan.  If I fell I knew he would catch us.  Its part of the reason why I did all the crazy things I did in my younger age.   Dad always called me his favorite, not sure why, probably because I always stuck up for my siblings and most probably because I am a lot like him.

Everyone thinks of him as a pretty crazy man.  But he was just so strong.  I have never met anyone as strong as him.  I remember when I got my wisdom teeth pulled in LA, he said he was taking the next flight out to LA to make sure I was okay.   I always felt protected.   

I have been pretty lost these last 7 years as I realize I don't have that backup plan anymore.  My foundation is all gone.   I wonder what life would be like if he was still around...

It's a Small World...

Through Dad and Rekha's eyes I'm reminded of how small the world is. When we are first born our world is our family and our home. As we grow our world grows, we add in friends, school, classmates, colleagues. We go out and explore and travel, we want to see the world. We know Dad saw so much of the world. He moved from Bihar to Calcutta, from Calcutta to Philadelphia, he lived all over the US. We are constantly growing and expanding our universes... It amazes me how much Dad's world has shrunk. A couple of weeks ago when we took Dad to the hospital he kept asking Mom to show him how to go upstairs. He wanted to go to his room and go to sleep. His entire world is Kunty and Boitano. It is a small world after all.