On Homes and Hearts

Every week Dad's Alzheimers introduces us to new parts of this devastating disease. In the past couple of months it has begun to dawn on us that maybe we can't always take care of him. Assisted living facilities are probably the next step for him and for us. Over the past couple of weeks, I've had conversations with each of my siblings about this. We all feel that day coming. It's a very emotional decision for all of us... especially Mom.

We all know that home is where your heart is. I wonder where dad's heart is. His memories have faded to unrecognizable moments that he'll randomly talk about. Most of his words are gibberish. His mind has reverted back to Kamalpur, India and so has his language. Sarita found Dad lost in the garage on Monday; he didn't remember how he got there, or how to leave... I don't know how long he was standing in there trying to find a way out. He can't distinguish any of his daughters from each other, and the other day I heard him call Sriram Pankaj. Of course there is the hourly search for Kunty :) He's mistook me for Kunty before. He's asked Sarita if she's Kunty. He asked me once if Sandhya is Kunty. So we know he loves Kunty, if only he could remember who Kunty was. By the way, anyone standing in the kitchen area will be mistaken for Kunty.... considered yourself warned.

I have no doubt that his heart is here at Boitano, and by placing him in a living facility we may break what little spirit he has left. The hopeful side of me believes that maybe he will do fine, he barely remembers any of us. The daughter part of me knows Dad would have never left me in a living facility if something was wrong with me. That being said he is becoming increasingly more difficult to care for: sun-downing, skin fungus, hygiene issues, losing control of his bowel/bladder. It's taking a toll on all of us, but mostly Mom. I can see it in her face, she's being weighed down by this emotionally and physically. It's such a tough decision. What's the right thing to do here?

There is also the obvious question: are we doing him a favor or are we doing ourselves a favor? I think it's more a favor for ourselves... Learning to deal with that may take us a lifetime. Such a tough decision...